No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
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Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Happy birthday to all the women
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.