Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
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Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”