Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
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I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.