every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
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Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
ACED my prostate exam!
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.