Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
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The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?