When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
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Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏