Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
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“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once