[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
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Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!