Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
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Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Yes, this is exactly right
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.