My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
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Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
I have a type: disappointing
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.