Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
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There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
good let them take over I have had enough
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Need this in my life lol
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see