My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
You Might Also Like
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Twitter is the new flypaper.