My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
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– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Are you ok, human???
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.