[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
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doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Yup
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
This is my bus stop.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.