Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
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I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.