My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
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MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Noah was an idiot.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago