The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
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My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Good news
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
How do you milk an almond?
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me