I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
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“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
*seductively corrects your posture*
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.