Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
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I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Very good news from my accountant
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.