This checks out
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I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway