Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
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They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Somebody call the cops.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Finally!
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how