“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
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#Caturday
Thick as shit.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Strange
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]