I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
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me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies