therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
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[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Brother?
Tastes like chicken.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy