Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
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“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.