Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
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To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.