Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
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[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.