I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
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I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.