his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
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Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
wow he looks just like him
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*