“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
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When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial