Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
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A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.