Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
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Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Isn’t
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time