I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
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Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.