My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
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I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
I falcon love using swear birds
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.