The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
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All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Mornin
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Ovenable?
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish