I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
You Might Also Like
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough