I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
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If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
what could possibly go wrong?
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.