My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
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Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
WHO DID THIS?
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?