Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
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4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I have no passwords left in me
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work