It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
You Might Also Like
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
respect
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed