in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
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I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes