So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
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Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T