Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
You Might Also Like
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!