this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
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One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure