*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
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Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ