Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
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Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends