To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
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Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.