What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
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[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Breaking news:
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency