*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
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Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
my retirement plan is braless
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
blocked.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
The real reason evolution started..😂
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?