[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
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Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”